New World, Old Soul

1. Sometimes you’ll go to bed angry. Most of the time, you’ll wake up in the morning and wonder how you got so worked up. If you must go to bed angry, make up in the early morning. The times you wake up and are still angry, make up in the afternoon.

2. I’ve always believed human beings are 50% nature, 50% nurture. I think marriage is the same way. Both husband and wife are who they are, yet old dogs can learn new tricks. Everyone has innate habits and characteristics. Some of these habits must change for a healthy marriage, but some must be adapted to. With just enough love and grace (not as much as you might think), you can find this balance.

3. As a Christian, there’s a lot of focus on the verse about wives submitting to their husbands. Anyone who met me before age 21 might not consider me the submitting type. Why must I submit when I’m already doing great at x, y, and z?
   
   My pastor gave a fantastic sermon on this verse once. In the same passage, Christ calls on men to care for their wives the way Christ cares for the church (frankly, this is a much taller order). Any man who provides, respects, and loves his wife in this way is very easy to submit to. Wives, pray that your husband will become the spiritual leader of your household if he is not already. There is no greater kindness than to pray for one another.

4. You’ll never regret the children you had; you’ll regret the children you didn’t have. Children are a blessing but the stress of raising children can add strain to a relationship. The refiner’s fire of parenthood illuminates character flaws both husband and wife didn’t know they had before. Welcome this refinement with humility. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Lean into the vulnerability. Pray often. When you build muscle, you must first tear down the existing muscle to make room for more. This is parenthood.
   
   People on their deathbed don’t think about that promotion they didn’t get, that book they didn’t write, that vacation they didn’t take….They think about their spouse and their children. We must live accordingly.
   
   (I feel the need to note that this is not an attempt to rub salt in the wound of couples struggling with infertility. My guess is that those couples understand better than most that children are never something to be taken for granted, and that our culture’s attitude towards parenthood has much room for improvement.)

5. Do that silly love language test. It’s eye opening and fosters strong communication. In marriage, communication is everything.

6. Some men give lavish gifts, post on social media, and make a big deal out of anniversaries and birthdays. Other men give of themselves lavishly, make a big deal out of being present and loyal, and don’t notice the birthdays and anniversaries so much because they are already showing up every single day. Marry the latter. The man who changes a child’s diaper at 2:00 a.m. or washes your car because he noticed it was dirty provides greater contentment than the man who buys a dozen roses on your birthday.

7. You are teammates, not rivals. On your own, you can do a lot. With your teammate, the sky is the limit. Communication is everything. I will never understand why we as women try to give silent clues and hope the men who love us can mysteriously decode the emotions that even we haven’t fully figured out. My husband will not realize on his own that it drives me crazy when he doesn’t wipe the counters after preparing food. I did not know how deeply it disturbs him when I leave my shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor. If we do not have a respectful conversation about it, how will the other know?
   
   And if we let them know and they don’t respond? The world tells us that power is withholding love, service, money, and affection from others. True power is giving generously of our love, our time, and our service to others and giving them an opportunity to do the same. Chances are, even the most stubborn man will put his plate in the dishwasher when his wife has exhibited the same kind of love in other ways.
   
   Fighting about who should do it first is the surest way to guarantee that no one ends up happy. Spouses who look for ways to make the other one happy are the happiest people alive. He still flattens the boxes that I set next to the recycling bin and I still vacuum the dried dirt that comes off his work boots during the muddy seasons. Compromise.

8. Building off the previous point, marriage is rarely 50/50. Keeping score of whose turn it is is the surest way to feel let down. In some seasons, it will be 60/40. In some seasons, it will be 30/70. In some seasons, it will be 80/20. We are human and we go through periods of trial, weakness, and learning from failure.
   
   One of the toughest points in our marriage was right after our second child was born. Our first two kids were 15 months apart, and in that time period, sleep was a luxury we did not always have. Whether or not it’s fair, I seem to be much more adversely affected by a lack of sleep than my lovely husband. There were so many times during this time period where he came home from a stressful, demanding day of work and chose to give a monumental effort at home despite his busy day. My husband (and the Lord) got me through a very dark period by not keeping score of who was doing more in that rough patch. I hate to think about the times I was angry, hormonal, ungrateful… but, as 1 Corinthians 13 instructs, my husband did not keep a record of my wrongs.
   
   There is a parable about a man who owes a very large debt and will go to prison and lose everything he values because he cannot pay it back (Matthew 18). The king to whom the debt is owed decides to forgive the man his debt entirely. On the way back home, the man who has just been forgiven sees someone who owes him money. Despite his debt being forgiven MOMENTS AGO, he chooses to demand repayment of a much smaller debt. As a kid, I always read this parable and thought, “What a jerk! I would never do that!”
   
   And yet, how often do we keep track of the times our spouses didn’t come through? The times they let us down? And during an argument, we bring it up. We demand payment for that debt time and time again, despite the fact that God has forgiven us the largest debt of all. Forgive your spouse the way God forgives you.

9. “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.” The best way to ensure a happy and long-lasting marriage is having a firm foundation that will never ever change. A 1997 Gallup poll asserts that the divorce rate for couples who pray together is less than 1%.

10. Sometimes people call it the “roommate stage”: a time when you feel like you and your spouse are simply two people living in the same house with the same responsibilities. It feels like the passion is gone. I would rather call it the teammate stage. This other person is your lifeline, your co-captain, your lifeboat. Sometimes you’re the one throwing the life jacket. Sometimes the life jacket is thrown to you.
    
    The passion may not always be ablaze, but as long as the embers are stoked, the fire remains. Sometimes the fire is steady, sometimes it’s just enough to get you through the winter, sometimes it’s a dang wildfire warning on the West Coast. Stoke the embers often enough and the fire can last forever.